Monday, July 16, 2012

Onion Ring Divination

I am a tarot reader and a pendulum dowser, but I am always on the lookout for new methods of divination. Here's a fun one:

Every Monday night I play video games with my friend Mykel, who just turned 70 and has been gaming for almost SIX YEARS now. We take turns providing dinner, and since we're guys, our menu consists of nothing but greazy cheeseburgers. 

And every so often we screw up - you know how men have trouble communicating - and BOTH of us show up with stained paper bags and cardboard drink holders. Oops.
So on this occasion we ate his burgers and I stuck mine in the fridge. Next day I am having one of the left-over cheeseburgers for lunch. Now Fast Food is aptly named - it has a half-life shorter than some of the radioactive elements in the periodic table of elements. And so 12 hours and a night in the fridge had robbed my Western Bacon Cheeseburger of whatever joy it had been born with.
Blech. Luckily the bag also contained 147 packets of ketchup. Ketchup! Reagan's favorite vegetable! The universal solvent, lubrication, and unifier of the Gods. It may not make good things better, but it can raise the unappetizing to the palatable.
So I upend my burger and remove it's bottom bun. And there, staring up at me, are the onion rings. In this case two small ones up top, and one piece of a longer one on the bottom. Incredible. My lunch contained a secret HAPPY FACE.
Chance? Serendipity? Bored McWageSlave at the burger joint? Or was it significant? Did it mean something? I don't know. But I swear it made it taste better.
Later in the afternoon I was feeling bored - and a little bloated from lunch. I was playing with a gadget online that was supposed to show how the Earth looks from space. (With a handy spreadsheet at the click-ready in case the boss popped in.)
I was trying to line up our planet, our moon, and Mercury. As stated previously I am nobody's techhound, and the thing wasn't working for me. (I'm blaming Mercury going retrograde.) So I decided to do the really stupid thing and eat the other cheeseburger.
I grabbed some packets from the Bottomless Well of Eternal Ketchup, flipped the burger, de-bunned it and there were my onion rings: A large one on the bottom, a small one upper left, and a teeny onion ring dot upper right. Exactly the view I was trying to get online. Mercury, Earth and our moon. I was flabbergasted.
My co-worker came in and saw me staring at an open cheeseburger with gob-smacked reverence. "Angus. Angus?"
She smiled and pointed. "Do you see the face of Christ or something?"
And for just a moment I had no answer.
So I am declaring burgers with onion rings to be a divination tool. Try it.
Food for thought!
Angus McMahan

Photo credit:


  1. Your writing, about nearly ANYTHING apparently, makes me smile. Thank you, Sir!! ~ Miss Chris

  2. Loving this form of divination. My wife and I see pictures, signs, and forms of divination in almost everything. It's nice to know we are not the only ones! Blessings!

  3. You have the perfect balance of wit and sarcasm! I'm so glad I discovered you thanks to "Thoughts from Paris"'s blog.

    Like you, I love ketchup. I have been known to create an entire meal which was essentially a ketchup delivery mechanism!

    I'm looking forward to following your blog in the future.