Friday, January 25, 2013

Dream: Mickey the Barbarian

I am walking in a crowd along a post-apocalyptic Toworrowland in Disneyland. Space Mountain is caved in. The rocket jets are a jumble of twisted metal. I am 4 feet tall, bare-chested, have a sword and a leather satchel, and great abs. Everyone around me is likewise adorned and Adonisized, but much taller. We look like a LARP version of Conan the Barbarian. I am talking to Han Solo who is pleading with me not to go through with this scheme.

"You are just gonna walk in on the Queen?"
"Yes. She has to know."
"But she's evil! She'll have our guts for garters."
"You don't have to come."
Han considers this for a minute, cuz he's kinda cowardly like that. Then he runs a bit to catch up with me. We continue on in silence, elbowing our way through all the other tanned and toned adventurers.

The royal court is housed in the shell of America Sings. The Queen is on a throne on the stage. She is gorgeous, brunette, tall, tanned, 20, and half of her slight body weight is apparently taken up by bazooms that in any other realm would be deemed questionable.
Han and I step through the ruptured wall and into the audience section of the ride, and immediately the crowd falls silent and everyone turns to look at me.
I take a few hesitant steps forward and then look around to find that Han has disappeared.
Space Pirates - don't get me started.

The Evil Queen regards me coldly. "And you, little man, why do you bother Us today?"
I take some more steps closer to the throne.
"Well, begging your pardon, Miss - worship - regal - your Grace, um......"
She adjusts her impossibly long legs. "Spit it out little man. WHAT?"
I stand looking up at her looking down at me.
"Well, its just that......."
"Yes.....?" everyone in the crowd leans in.
"Your worship - I'm afraid that you are supposed to be my girlfriend."

There is a moment of stunned silence and then the entire theater, if not the entire theme park, erupts into laughter.
The Evil Queen is so surprised by this that she can't even articulate words. She doubles over in laughter and guards rush in to make sure she is okay.
She waves them off, smooths her mini-skirt, and regains some composure. 

She regards me like I am an entertaining insect that she is about to crush.
"Well, I am HONORED, brave adventurer, truly I am....." She collapses in giggles again, which sets off the entire crowd again. Muscled men in horned helmets are hanging off each other, helpless with laughter.
"But - " The Queen continues, mascara tears running down her accented cheekbones, "But I am afraid that that is QUITE impossible." She raises a hand to a guard, who steps forward.
I step forward. "No! You don't understand!"
The whole room goes silent again.

The Queen has stopped laughing. Now she is annoyed.
"Oh? Really?"
"Yes! You are my girlfriend. In fact you should have been two chapters ago."
The Queen looks confused but the Guard goes white as a sheet.
I pull out an old paperback book from my satchel. "It says so right here...." and I thumb through the pages.

The Queen curls up in the throne and hides her face in her hands. "No! No! He's an Oracle! We do not like those who KNOW!"
The Guard draws his hand-and-a-half sword and holds it over his head.
I look up and see the Guard above me.
"But your not an Evil Queen! You just get bad advice! You don't know what's really going on in your land!"
The Queen looks out from her hands, and sees the guard pivot, swinging his gigantic sword from me to her.
At that moment Han fires his blaster from the back of the theater and incinerates the Guard. His sword falls on top of his crispy body.

Another moment of stunned silence. I look back at Han, who smiles and salutes with his smoking blaster and is then beamed up by Scotty.

When I look back the Queen has regained her composure. "Please come here."
I climb onto the stage and approach her throne. Due to the differences in our heights we are looking eye-to-eye even though she is sitting down.
She smiles, and it is a genuine smile of gratitude. "May I see this oracle?"
I hand her the paperback. She looks at the cover, which shows us back-to-back fighting off slavering goblins. "Hey, I look really good in this."

I smile. She looks up and hands it back, now regarding me seriously. "How - how does it end?"
Every ear in the audience is cocked forward.
"I don't know. I haven't finished it yet." The crowd relaxes somewhat. I point to the number on the spine. "But it looks like its a series."
The crowd erupts into cheers.

The Queen laughs, stands up, and takes my hand. "Well, brave adventurer, it appears that we have some catching up to do."
She addresses the crowd. "Court is adjourned. Go and bring me the real news of my land." She regards the charred body next to the throne. "And someone clean up this mess."
And she leads me off the stage and we head to the Tomorrowland train station.

Angus McMahan

 (Pic from

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