Tuesday, January 15, 2013

iPodomancy; 3 examples


iPodomancy: Noun: 1) Post - post - modern method of divination, wherein the answer to the petitioner’s question will be revealed via setting their iPod to 'random' and hitting 'play'. Whatever song pops up first will contain the answer. 2) Ipodomancy is also used to denote the weird coincidences that arise when one listens to a LOT of music during their day.

1) In this case reading a profile of Kim Jong Il, the “Dear (departed) Leader” of North Korea, and having “I’m so Ronery” from the Team America soundtrack come on.

So wlongity wlong. And pliceress.

2) A few years ago I quit caffeine. Yay me. This meant that I had to compensate somehow, and I gave myself some slack for the awful withdrawals and detox that I had to endure to kick my habit.
So I gained 15 pounds in no time at all. I stayed off caffeine, but I dove headfirst into junk food and sugary snacks. And that, of course, logically, led directly to diet sodas.
My attempts to lose that weight have been unsuccessful. And then my little monkey brain started to figure out that maybe all these diet, caffeine-free, no sugar, no nada absence nothing void zilcho wearedescribedbywhatwedonotcontain artificially sweetened sodas may be a contributing factor.
So, as I am cruising the Intrawebs, finding a bazillion links between Aspartame and weight gain, and bemoaning the fact that here is the next thing that I have to wean myself off of, just when my day has taken a very dark turn indeed – iTunes, out of 14,000 songs, decided to serve up the Brian Setzer Orchestra playing “That’s the Kind of Sugar Papa Likes”.
3) A couple of days ago I was searching through the new 8-acre Safeway that opened in my town. The place is friggin’ ginormous. And I hated muzak even before they started putting grocery ads in the "mix", so I am rocking the headphones.

Anyway, I can’t find the Clif Bars anywhere. (Breakfast section? Candy Bars? Natural foods? Chewy tasteless overpriced slabs of unidentifiable components aisle?) And right at my moment of white-knuckle frustration, I begin hearing “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” (Jacqui Naylor’s sizzling jazz version).
I had barely stopped laughing at that when the ‘Pod next served up The Clash’s “Lost in a Supermarket”. 
And I BELIEVED.

Angus McMahan

angusmcmahan@gmail.com
@AngusMcMahan
P.S. Insane cackling in the canned goods aisle will quickly bring a Supervisor to inquire about your sanity assure that you have a pleasant shopping experience, and so I was escorted directly to the Clif Bars. They were in the 'Ethnic Foods' section.
Wait - what?



2 comments:

  1. Ethnic Food?!?!? I've seen some strange food placement, but I think that takes the cake!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe Athletes count as an Ethnicity now?

      Delete